


Dirk Gently, Ace Detective

by BackattheBein



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Alcohol, Bars and Pubs, Drinking, Kissing, M/M, Sexual Harassment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-20
Updated: 2018-05-20
Packaged: 2019-05-09 10:15:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14714153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BackattheBein/pseuds/BackattheBein
Summary: Dirk never really concerned himself with such impossible concepts as romance and sex. It wasn't like he even knew what they were, trapped within the drab grey walls of a government prison for most of his adolescent years. Now, in the real world, he feels that he missed out on something important, and is lesser for it.





	1. First Is The Worst

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everybody! This is one half of my contribution to this year's beginner bang! I feel in love with a prompt and planned to write way more than I had originally thought, and so I ran out of time and was unable to publish the story in its entirety. However, fear not! I promise the next parts are coming soon, and there will be brotzly abound. 
> 
> I would like to give a shoutout to my awesome artist and the wonderful person behind this whole shebang - Helen aka @dont-offend-the-bees. We have spoken about continuing to work together as I finish the later chapters, so hopefully there will be even more artwork and fics to come. Here is a link to the amazing work she did for this fic: http://dont-offend-the-bees.tumblr.com/post/174084319292/what-day-is-it-beginner-bang-day-i-had-the

Dirk never really concerned himself with such impossible concepts as romance and sex. It wasn't like he even knew what they were, trapped within the drab grey walls of a government prison for most of his adolescent years. Now, in the real world, he feels that he missed out on something important, and is lesser for it.

When he finally, blessedly, unbelievably left Blacking, Dirk was rather quickly inundated with the sex-heavy industries of the modern world. He didn’t understand why people would want to buy products when a half-naked girl was involved; he certainly didn’t get the appeal of a mostly nude woman eating a cheeseburger. It did not make him hungry. It was just gross.

His first experience with kissing, well … if he had his way, he would erase said memory completely from his mind. It was all too easy to remember, especially in the quiet moments of the night, when Todd would hold him and the evil voice inside his head would ask if there was something Todd would much rather be doing than just holding Dirk in the soft glow of the evening.

*

He was in university at St. Cedd’s, Cambridge, in England. God, it was perfect! Well, other than being expelled eventually, but while he was there, he loved it. He had always dreamed of going to England and to finally be there was everything he could have ever dreamed of and more.

One evening during his first year there, he went to a pub with some classmates with whom he had a lecture. They weren’t particularly close, but they liked Dirk well enough, and wanted to help get him out of his shell. Dirk had never been drinking nor to a pub and so had no idea what to expect. His curiosity did make him a bit excited, though.

The atmosphere was loud, bustling with people who fought their way into the queue for the bar. The music was blaring something aggressively pop in nature but with a base so strong it shook the lights barely hanging from the ceiling. Said lights were flashing an ensemble of changing colors moving chaotically across the dark room.

His friends elbowed their way through the barricade of people and claimed a space barely large enough for the five of them to cluster around, but it was enough for Dirk to fit. He could see the bartender, and with one of his friends yelling into his ear he repeated their order to the scantily-clad woman behind the counter.

After a few minutes, their drinks were ready, and Dirk hastily handed them back to the others. Much of the night he can’t remember past that, after downing more cough syrup-flavored and unnaturally-colored liquid than he really should have.

At one point, he began to ignore whatever the others were doing, and sort of spaced out, hoping to escape to some quieter, well-lit fantasy. He skimmed his eyes across the crowded room, looking for _anything interesting, anything at all, anything will do …_

He saw quiet a few attractive faces, moving his gaze quickly past the women to find tall and built men who he thought might be conventionally handsome, although he had only recently learned what that meant. He wasn’t really sure why he ignored the women, and didn’t really think it was strange, even though he couldn’t recall a single couple in any of the mountain of TV shows and movies he’d eagerly absorbed since getting cable and a DVD player. But then again, his parameters for what was considered “normal” might have been a little off, given his … unique childhood and adolescent years.

Someone next to him coughed, and he blinked, shaking his head and coming back down to this plane of existence. He realized that he has been staring, slack-jawed and loopy from shots, directly at one particularly gorgeous man across the room, not even coyly. He quickly turned his back, cheeks burning, and gladly took a shot of something electric blue from a friend.

By the time he’d managed to swallow down the disgusting liquid, he could feel another warm body sliding up to the bar on his left. He turned his head, and instantly the tips of his ears flooded red and his breath caught in his throat. It was the guy he was staring at! _How on earth is he more handsome when he is this far into my personal space?!_ Dirk thought, flustered.

The man was tall, just an inch or two taller than Dirk, but he was bulkier, his shoulders broader and his chest more muscular. His short dark hair was swept to the side in the casual-too perfect way that must have taken hours and a ridiculous amount of hair gel to achieve. His skin looked tan in the low lighting, and his t-shirt was possibly a tad too small for his frame, demanding attention at the points where the seams threatened to burst.

“Hey, I’m Adam,” he said, offering his hand for Dirk to shake. Taking it, Dirk felt a certain amount of pride when he introduced himself as Dirk and Adam wasn’t even phased, didn’t say that that was not the name on the class roster, didn’t demand an explanation while scowling.

They exchanged some small talk and Dirk discovered they were both students at Cambridge, except the other man was studying at another of the colleges other than St. Cedd’s. Adam bought them another round, for which Dirk was eternally grateful. As gross as it tasted, he kind of enjoyed the floating sensation it was now causing in his mind.

At one point, the man carefully and with deliberate casualness took Dirk’s hand, clasping them on top of the sticky bar and lacing their fingers together. Dirk couldn’t find it in himself to be bothered. In fact, the nice warmth and cushion of those large hands holding his was rather comforting.

They continued talking, but Dirk didn’t notice how Adam never seemed to directly answer answer any of his questions.

“I’m studying psychology! What do you study?”

“Science.”

“What kind?”

“Oh, you know, space and numbers and shit. So where do you live on campus, gorgeous?”

“Are you American?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m studying abroad or whatever. What’s an adorable thing like you doing at the pub all alone?”

It all came to a head when Adam suddenly cleared his throat and levelled Dirk with his intense brown eyes. In that moment between gaining Dirk’s attention and changing his life forever, Dirk couldn’t help but think that those eyes almost seemed black, a dark brown of ground coffee beans that was bereft of any flecks of color. Or maybe it was just the lighting.

“I really want to kiss you right now, angel.”

Dirk’s stomach became a sloshing mess of alcohol and butterflies as his nerves instantly flared up. He had never actually kissed anyone before and he didn’t know how to or anything about it, which he rather candidly confessed, eyes averted to the floor. He didn’t really know why, but he sort of thought he should be embarrassed by this.

Adam smirked, and his voice dropped to a low baritone which rumbled exquisitely. “Let me show you, then.”

He leant in for a kiss, eyes open until their lips connected, when they slammed shut. Dirk’s eyelashes fluttered closed, preparing for that explosion of fireworks …

… that never came.

The kiss started out gentle, chapped lips pressing against plush ones. Dirk felt completely at a loss as to what to do. He was not floating on cloud nine, the cameras weren’t panning around them in a haze of love and glory, the music didn’t even swell, like all the rom-coms said it should.

After about thirty seconds or so, he realized with distress that he was unequivocally and utterly bored with what was happening. There are a pair of insistent, soft muscles rubbing up against his in a way that wasn’t appealing in the least. He almost zoned out until he felt the man’s lips move away, as if to disconnect the kiss. He felt the briefest moment of relief before suddenly the man’s mouth was back on his, this time open, and he was pressing his tongue insistently along the line of Dirk’s lips, as if he wanted to put it in Dirk’s mouth!

Brows drawn in disgust, Dirk brought his hands to the man’s chest and began pushing him away, not forcefully but not gently either. The other man made a sound of surprise from the back of his throat, but blessedly pulled back far enough to look into Dirk’s eyes questioningly.

Confused and hurt and only sort of trying not to show it, Adam asked, “What’s wrong, love?” In order for Dirk to hear him, he had to lean uncomfortably close to his face, his moist breath ghosting across his ear and cheek. Dirk was almost going cross-eyed trying to maintain eye contact as Adam spoke directly into his ear. “Is everything okay?”

Dirk couldn’t suppress a shiver, but it was not a pleasant one.

“No, everything is not okay!” Dirk yelled, voice straining to compete against the music pulsing through the pub. “It was fine,” a lie to placate the other man, “until you tried to shove your tongue into my mouth, as if that was part of kissing!” Dirk for his part had no idea if tongue was usually involved, and he hoped against hope that it was not. That seemed all kinds of wrong.

The way the man’s face quickly soured turned Dirk’s stomach.

“Yes, sweetie,” he said in a too-sugary tone that was clearly meant to hide venom, “tongue is actually the most important part!”

In that moment, Dirk actually began to feel like he was being talked down to. He was not a petulant child, he just felt very strongly about indecencies such as this, and felt compelled to tell the man so.

Mustering up his courage, he declared “Well, if tongue is indeed involved, for whatever reasons I cannot possibly hope to understand - even having a good think for a month could not reveal the secrets the universe of romance to me - then I will be taking no part in kissing!”

Dirk tried to play off how high his voice had risen by quickly grabbing his drink, once long forgotten on the wooden bar in front of him, and threw it all back in one gulp. Or at least, he tried, but his body rejected the vile flavor that instantly hit his tongue. He ended up spitting some of it up onto the mysterious gentleman and more importantly, his brand new jean jacket.

“Bollocks!” He shouted, diving for a napkin or cloth or something to clean up the mess before it stained. His hands were stopped when the man grasped his wrists. He held them firmly between himself and Dirk, and looked semi-sternly into Dirk’s eyes.

“C’mon, baby, it’s not that bad! Why not just give it a try?”

Dirk squirmed in his grip, trying to get away. He broke the man’s intense stare to frantically search for his friends in the crowd. His hands were moved by Adam to his waist, encouraging Dirk to hold him as Adam took his face in his hands. Suddenly their lips smashed back together.

Adam’s mouth was open, and Dirk could feel his uncomfortably hot breath on his still-closed lips. He forced them into a tight line just in time to feel something hot and squishy try to infiltrate.

Adam ran his tongue along Dirk’s lips, enjoying the struggle just a little, before he rammed it straight through Dirk’s defenses. Dirk’s surprised yelp helped ease his way in, and before Dirk could protest he was drowning, desperate for air around the tongue shoved down his throat.

He was too stunned to move his hands and to push them against the other. Adam was practically on top of him at this point as he kept leaning forward to keep close as Dirk tried to escape by leaning backwards until he was almost lying with his back on the bar. His brain had short-circuited, but not in the cute romance novel way. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t think, _he couldn’t breathe!_

“Hey, asshole!”

Dirk took in huge, grateful gulps of air, the pressure both in and on his chest finally alleviating.

No one had heard Dirk’s cry for help other than the few people near him at the bar, and no one was sober enough to help the poor man. Thankfully, one of his friends Harry had been approaching the bar since it was his turn to order the next round of shots for their friend group.

Noticing Dirk’s distress from the way he squirmed underneath the stranger on top of him, Harry’s beer-addled brain realized his new friend was in trouble and extremely uncomfortable, and that this loser was clearly acting without consent.

 _Time to hurl some insults at this fucker,_ his mind helpfully supplied.

Shoving Adam into the crowd away from the bar, Adam rushed forward and grabbed Dirk by the upper arms. He quickly ushered them away from the bar and into their circle of friends on the dance floor towards the other side of the pub.

By the time they were fully incorporated back into the group, Harry could no longer see Adam in the bustling crowd. _That’ll have to do for now_ , he thought, turning to finally check on Dirk.

Dirk had barely noticed as he was jostled and pushed through the crowd. His mind was elsewhere, trying to come down from a swirling cloud of panic and confusion and fear. None of those thoughts came anywhere near to escaping his throat; he was too numb, too shocked by what had just happened to form coherent language.

He stared blank-eyed at the people around him, vaguely recognizing the other students he’d come to the pub with that night.

Harry vaguely thought he could see Dirk trembling, his hands shaking just enough that the beer someone had thrust into his hands sloshed dangerously in its cup. He quickly consulted with the others, and they decided it was time to get the heck out of there.

Luckily there was a 24-hour diner open not too far from the pub that the other students loved to frequent, so Harry took one of Dirk’s shaking hands and led him out into the open air and then into the booth next to him at the diner.

“Here, drink up,” he said as he put a glass of water into Dirk’s hands.

Dirk finally felt like he was coming back to himself after breathing in the crisp chill air of the autumn evening and then the delicious hot coffee smell of the diner. He quickly downed the water, hoping to clear his drunk brain and to rid himself of taste of cigarettes and morning breath that still clung to his tongue.

The rest of the night was quiet and pleasant, the group ordering food and chowing down at three in the morning on a weekend, picking songs on a retro-style jukebox and managing to cheer Dirk up again.

When he finally made it back to his flat, he collapsed face first onto his bed, passing out before he could even shrug off his jacket and shoes.


	2. Second Helping

If there was one good thing that came out of that horrible experience, it was that Dirk realized he was gay (not to mention he learned the best hangover cures from his newly-gained friends, who remained close to him while he studied at St. Cedd’s).

That’s not to say he didn’t necessarily know beforehand; he had never had the proper language, the words, to describe himself. It didn’t feel like an earth-shattering revelation, but more like the pulling back of a curtain to reveal what had always been there. Dirk was gay.

Dirk also loved romance stories, especially rom-coms. When he wasn’t not predicting the answers to the next psych exam, he was absorbing as much content as he could by watching crappy old rom-coms.

His only real issue with this films was that they all put so much effort into always kissing at the end. The couple would be standing there in the pouring rain, together at last, and they would kiss for a unspoken designated amount of time. Dirk always felt extremely uncomfortable in these moments. They were doubly unpleasant to him, because it brought back memories of that night at the pub with the stranger, and also because he felt that while watching the couple he was intruding on a powerful, private moment that he should definitely not be seeing. A moment he didn’t want to be seeing.

Dirk wanted to believe that kissing could be pleasant, even though now the memory of it only made his stomach turn. Sometimes he swore his mouth still tasted like acid, like he could never truly be clean of what had happened. 

It would not be until Dirk traveled to San Francisco that he would have another opportunity to kiss someone.

*

It was a quiet Tuesday night in Andrew Robinson’s apartment, his adorable boyfriend curled up against his side as a late night talk show played softly in the background, casting the couple in a strangely comforting blue light.

“Hey, baby,” Andrew said quietly, trying not to break the silence or startle his partner. “You still awake?”

“Mhm,” Dirk mumbled from where his face was half-pressed into Andrew’s chest.

Andrew couldn’t help but chuckle lightheartedly, and Dirk felt the pleasant rumbles of Andrew’s laughter against his cheek. It was so peaceful, lying there in Andrew’s arms with their bodies pressed together. To Dirk, that was the epitome of a loving relationship.

“Hey, c’mere,” said Andrew, adjusting the arm that was looped around Dirk’s waist.

Dirk sat up slowly, eyes finally connecting as he mumbled something incoherent, shaking his head to get rid of the sleep he was feeling.

“Wanna kiss,” said Andrew, and it wasn’t a question, in fact it felt more like a soft demand, one that Dirk had unhappily gotten used to in recent weeks.

Sighing internally, he squeezed his eyes closed and blindly leaned forward, ready to let Andrew take the lead. A hand on his chest forced his eyes back open and his brows to arch up. _Did I do something wrong already_ , he thought, concerned anxious thoughts already speeding through his mind. _He sounded like he wanted to kiss me, which is a good sign, right?_

“Wanna make out,” Andrew said, pausing to see if Dirk was understanding what he was trying to say. “Like, for real, ya know …”

Immediately Dirk’s heart picked up its pace. He slammed his mouth shut and did his best to hold his own tongue, because his immediate response was cramming up against the back of his teeth, threatening to burst out. _No!_

Although Andrew had initially asked Dirk why he didn’t want to kiss after their very first date, he had been respectful enough, not pressing the issue and waiting patiently for Dirk to be ready.

Their first kiss had been in a park, as the sun was setting, and Dirk had very much not been ready. It was chaste, but still unpleasant, and he had struggled to hide his displeasure after the moment, not wanting to upset his infinitely patient boyfriend. It was Dirk that was broken, after all, not the kind man who’d been willing to take him in despite all other options.

Now, he tried to keep his racing heartbeat in check, knowing that Andrew could probably feel it, the way his blood was now pulsing through his veins, the light sheen of sweat breaking out across his body. His face flushed, but he was already staring into Andrew’s eyes, so there was no use in ducking and hiding, burying his head back in his chest. He had to face the music.

Dirk mumbled something incoherently, averting his eyes from Andrew’s intense gaze. Then, he felt the warmth of Andrew’s hand caressing his cheek. Quietly, Andrew dropped his voice to a deep, rumbling baritone and purred. “It’s okay, babe. I know you’ve never done this before,” – a blatant lie because Dirk hadn’t been able to confess just exactly why he was revolted by kissing, to confess that he was broken _messed up tainted **wrong** _ – “but, just, let me show you, okay? I bet you’ll like it if you try it. Let me show you how special you are.”

Andrew was staring at Dirk, boring well-intentioned holes into his soul, flaying him open yet completely misinterpreting the fear he saw there. Dirk violently resisted the urge to squirm under his watery blue eyes, more white than blue really, and tried to harden his resolve.

It still didn’t feel right, kissing someone. Just the thought of it turned him off. He knew he wasn’t ready, but Andrew had waited so patiently, and really, every rom-com told him that not kissing on the first date was almost worse than rejection, and they hadn’t kissed until their thirteenth, so really it was all Dirk’s fault. He had to do this.

“Okay,” Dirk whispered, barely louder than the TV still playing softly in the background, now casting Andrew’s face in a strange dark light that didn’t make Dirk any more comfortable with what he was about to do.

Andrew was still caressing his cheek, but slowly he moved his hand down to hold Dirk’s chin. He started guiding their faces closer, pulling Dirk slightly forward and back against his chest. Pure instinct forced Dirk’s hands to tangle in the front of Andrew’s shirt. Hopefully it would hide how badly his hands were shaking. _It’s just nerves, it’s just because you don’t know what you’re doing,_ Dirk consciously screamed in his mind over the alarm bells blaring. _You’re with someone you like, maybe even love, it will be okay it will be okay itwillbe—_

Their lips met, Dirk’s closed in a tight line and Andrew’s open, framing Dirk with a burst of hot air. Moisture hit his lips as Andrew chuckled again. He sweetly ran his tongue over Dirk’s lips, asking permission that Dirk felt more obligation than excitement to give.

It was a strange sensation, opening his lips and feeling Andrew’s tongue slip past them almost instantaneously. Dirk didn’t know what to do with his tongue; it felt extraneous, his mouth was too full, there was too much sensation. He couldn’t let it hang limply because Andrew kept trying to tangle them together somehow, moving their tongues around as if it was good fun. He struggled to breath correctly or swallow the gradually building saliva in the back of his throat.

 _Breathe!_ He tried inhaling through his nose but he couldn’t get past the panic of _something in your mouth something there something wrong have to get out of this bar you shouldn’t have drank so much your fault **your fault** broken!! Breathe! _

Vaguely he was aware of the pressure, the weight, the body being lifted away from him and he gulped down as much air as his lungs could take. It sent him into a coughing fit, shakes wracking his body as he wheezed around the panic still floating through his brain. He felt something warm cover his hands, pulling them off and out of the t-shirt they’d had in a white-knuckle death-grip.

“Dirk, baby,” Andrew spoke softly. “Hey, breathe, okay? Come back to me.”

Andrew’s thumbs rubbed small circles into the back of Dirk’s hands.

_You’re not there. You’re sober. He’s sober. He isn’t **him**. He’s your boyfriend. You’re safe._

**_And you’re a fuck-up._ **

_All that matters is you’re safe. Worry about that later. Compartmentalize. Safe. Warm. Protected._

**_Broken._ **

“Dirk?” Andrew thought he saw Dirk finally coming back to him, some of that light finally returning to his gorgeous eyes, but no, now he saw it was the beginnings of tears.

“Honey, sweetie pie, it’s okay. Keep breathing,” Andrew cooed as he moved to stroke Dirk’s cheeks.

That was when Dirk broke into the most illustrious smile that didn’t reach those pained eyes at all. “I’m alright,” he seemed to wheeze out, forcing the words past his still-collapsing lungs. “I need to go now.”

Before Andrew could protest any more Dirk had ripped his hands away and was fleeing as quickly as he could. He barely had the presence to grab his jacket and keys before he more or less sprinted out of the apartment and tore off down the street.

He walked all the way to his dingy, two-room apartment.

He lived on the other side of town.

It wasn’t until he collapsed face-first onto the couch-slash-bed, jacket and keys still in one limply hanging hand and shoes still on, that he broke down.

**_Can’t break down if you’re already broken._ **

He choked on a sob. That night he slept fitfully.

*

It was on that same Tuesday night when Andrew asked to properly make out that Dirk felt their relationship truly began its downward spiral. After that, it was never as wonderful and blissful to him as it had been on that first day, that first lovely evening of something like love and being loved in return.

Around a month after the incident, Andrew sat Dirk down. He had asked to meet in a café instead of at his apartment like normal; that was the first sign that something was wrong.

 _Just like me_ , Dirk thought. _We’re both wrong._

Andrew sat across from Dirk, head bowed, holding a Styrofoam cup of coffee with both hands. He sighed heavily before speaking.

“Look, Dirk, I,” he started. He huffed another breath, and Dirk tried to hold himself together.

“Andrew, I’m sorry, it’s my” Dirk coughed out weakly.

“No,” said Andrew. There was an air of finality to it that allowed no room for disagreement.

Good thing Dirk’s own thoughts had a mind of their own. _Your fault your fault **your fault**_ , they sang incessantly.

Andrew reached across the table, grabbing Dirk’s shaking hand in his warm and sweaty one.

“Maybe some people just don’t like kissing,” Andrew said quietly, not even really making eye contact with Dirk as he said it.

Dirk could tell Andrew didn’t mean it, didn’t himself believe it. Dirk knew he was the one who’d held the relationship back, who’d kept it from flourishing and growing into something worthy of those rom-coms he loved so much.

*

Dirk left not long after, the Universe pulling him north and away from the ruined remains of his first relationship. While he was optimistic about his future casework, he was not so hopeful about his romantic prospects.


End file.
